The Fucking Snob #1

This feature gives us the ability to look down on the depths of the current popular musical trends to be The Fucking Snob – it's time to look at pop music, latex gloves on.


For the full effect list along with this post using the handy Spotify playlist. Or not. 


Maroon 5 ft. Christina Aguleria – Moves Like Jagger
What happened. I thought Maroon 5 were a band of musicians, but they appear to have been replaced by the gathering hordes of machines ready to destroy our organic way of life. The band that did those whiny Radio 2 baiting tracks that sold millions appear to have been entirely wiped out and thrown away, replaced by what seems like the usual cut and paste normal pop-shit. The autotune, wooosh effects, thudding and pointless drum line. Ugh, what the hell. Also, point of contention; if anyone moved like Jagger they'd get fucking no action at all, colostomy bag needed for the full Jagger effect.

Calvin Harris – Feel So Close to You Right Now
This track is only worthwhile for the absolute fucking laughable attempt at making it seem like he's from the US in the video – yes, they still make music videos, who would've thought it! It is the usual plodding track from Harris who manages to sing the one line once and well, using that as the basis for a song. It would appear that with songs like this that have no beginning, middle OR end, it just kind of stops without any idea of where to go. What's the point?

Ed Sheeran – The A Team
There's not even one mention of the actual A Team in this track, so massive points lost there. Also, the rhyming here is fucking atrocious, as is the whole sickly feel of the song – it sounds like that Nizlopi band's B side to the JCB song that was everywhere a couple of years ago. The feeling is of doing a really smelly shit inside a clothes hamper at the base of your bed.

Christina Perri – Jar of Hearts
I actually had no idea this wasn't a track that had been specially commissioned for the X Factor. It would appear that people have realised that they can make a shit ton of moeny from playing the piano and singing some warbling shit about love again, rather than spending a lot of money on it all. Pop music has returned to the Wet Wet Wet era of music, which is interesting as maybe we'll have a large 19 week number one that kills a band's career. Sometimes, we can only hope. I'd be hard pushed to pick this track out of a line up when paired with anything by Adele a washing line with black bin bags tied to it, or a police officer taking his shoes off after a day of work. It's so mundane and boring, like musical bullshit.

Dappy – No Regrets
Impressive intro on this track – no words uttered for the first few lines, just muttering. The line "done been through it" makes me want to smash up my iPod. I only really know Dappy from being kinda associated with N-Dubz and the impressive hat wearing on Nevermind the Buzzcocks appearance. I actually can't decide if rhyming "Camden" and "Richard Branson" might just be the greatest thing I've heard this year, like some beyond the pale genius that I can't quite get my head round. This has to be tongue in cheek. I mean... it must be? Even the key change made me burst out laughing. It's not tongue in cheek? Oh. Oh dear.

Ed Sheeran – You Need Me, I Don't Need You
This... this is the same guy as before? Okay, that's impressive as it's quite different from the other song, but there's loads of lines in here that are really meta; talking about how you write songs, didn't go to Brit School, and mentioning Damien Rice, it just feels like the kinda song that you write as a kid when you want to be in a band – it has amateur all over it. Then he has the incredible temerity to even suggest that he is rapping. I am not sure what to make of this – the thing is no matter how current you make a track seem, by namechecking Youtube, Myspace, or even Melody Maker, it just dates the track. The songs that have lasted from the 1980s and 1990s didn't mention Sega Mega Drives, SNES', nor did they refer to Gated Snares and 808s defensively. It feels like this song is almost a set of excuses; it certainly is the most defensive single i've heard in a long time. Ed Sheeran, why are you so worried about how you are seen? Just write good music and see what happens.

Jason Derulo – It Girl
Jason "Jason Derulo" Derulo next. I can't stand it. It has that clap snare that sounded dated in 1994. Good gracious me... our children are going to laugh so much at the sound of our vocals from our time – the same way when I listen to the snares and reverb from the 80s, Autotune is going to sound like a fucking disaster in 2020. Our kids are going to hate us. They will despise this era of music. Oh god, what the hell have we done. We've gone and ruined music for ever.

Olly Murs ft Rizzle Kicks – Heart Skips a Beat
You know something – considering this track is a tiny bit of popular music pre-cum from the Behemoth Cowell and another popular music roll of the dice from an X Factor disaster scene, this track is sonically pretty impressive. There are more deep synths and slight and subtle moves under the melody than anything prior in this column. The death knell of this track is the crowbarred in guest spot from some little guys who I've never heard of. Acording to my Spotify playlist of "Top Tracks" they actually are next. I think not, sorry boys. You'll have to wait for another Fucking Snob time.

In summary
I went in looking for a fight. I walked into the charts and said "come on if you think you're critically impressive enough" and I got what I wanted. Nothing there impressed me and nothing changed my mind. The Fucking Snob is satiated for another time.