Saturday, 10 April 2010

"Sorry guys, I don't want to play in the band anymore."

Hey people, are you sick of your band? Are you fed up with weekly practices in a room that reeks of cat piss? Have you had enough of playing gigs and not receiving so much as a free half shandy (in a pint glass) from the promoters? Having your ideas disregarded because you’re the mong who plays the keyboard? Well here’s some handy hints to help you on your way to never having to go through any of these experiences again (save perhaps the cat piss one; you may still visit your grandparents regularly).*

1. Replace everyone’s instruments with toy replicas then blame them for "not taking the band seriously" and fire them all one by one, until you're the only one left. Then fire yourself, ending the band and this whole sorry mess.

2. Confess to a number of war crimes despite not being born when such events took place. Eventually get sectioned.

3. At your next practice, instead of turning up, send a cardboard cut-out of yourself flipping the rest of the band the bird, with a looped message on a tape recorder calling each band member a “chuffing twatfarm.”

4. If you’re the singer, at your next gig, improvise offensive lyrics about the weight of the guitarist's mum complete with impressions of her as a Bluto/Mr. Toad-like figure.

5. Announce to the band that you're taking them to the zoo for the day. Then leave them in the zoo and drive home.

6. Make sure the band’s name is registered to you only. Then, insist that everyone in the band gets a tattoo of the band's name on their arses. Once they’ve gone through with this incredibly stupid idea; split up the band and threaten to sue the remaining members if they try and carry on with that band name without you.

7. Variations on the theme of 'doing a shit' somewhere in or on the instruments of the other band members. If all else fails, write 'I quit, jog on bellends' in shit on the bonnet of the tour van/clapped out Fiat Cinquecento Hawaii.

8. Allow your narcissistic personality disorder to repeatedly manifest itself and alienate your bandmates. Then they will sack you.

9. Keep whispering “a laptop could do what you do” repeatedly to each member of the band until one of them finally cracks and lamps you in the chops.

10. Continuously expose yourself on stage/turn up to every practice naked until you are banned/arrested/kicked out of the band.

*Thanks go out to several people on some loser message board who unknowingly helped compile this and the guy who I stole the idea from.

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